White Board

Siddarth loosened his seatbelt and looked out of the window. New Jersey was fading behind him. It was 6 years since he had landed there with a hope to get higher education, a decent job, and the determination never to get back to home country. It had taken him 6 years to dissolve his pride and go back home, to where he belonged, to where nobody would be waiting; at least that is what he had thought all those years. He put on his headphones and switched on the in-flight entertainment system. The stewardess pulled over a trolley of food and drinks.

“Anything to drink or eat sir?” she asked.

“Just coffee” he said and continued to scan through the movie list.

The stewardess placed the coffee on the tray and moved ahead. The movie list wasn’t impressive. He decided to listen to music and finally compiled a favorite collection. He sank in and closed his eyes forgetting the steamy coffee before him. It was on that coffee table that his parents had broken the news to him. 6 years ago, on a rainy evening, at the coffee table. His mind whirled back in time.
“Can you pass on those cookies?” Siddarth asked.

His mom pushed the tray towards him. As Siddarth stretched to pull the tray to his side, he looked at his mom whose eyes were welling up. He looked at his dad as his grip on the tray loosened and he sat back on his chair. His dad was running his finger over the rim of the coffee cup. He seemed to be in a contemplative mood.

“What happened mama?” Siddarth asked as he placed back the cookie on the tray and dusted off his hands.

She did not respond. Siddarth looked at his dad hoping he would come to his rescue to understand the drama that was about to be enacted.

There was silence for a while. Siddarth took a cookie from the tray and began to eat it as he took frequent sips of the coffee. Once the coffee cup was empty and his stomach was full, he got up to leave.

“Siddarth” his dad finally spoke. Maybe they had waited for him to relish the coffee in peace, one last time in that house.

“Yes papa. Please tell me what is happening,” Siddarth sat on the chair again.

His mom pulled her chair close to Siddarth and placed her hand over his hair. Siddarth squirmed and moved away from her touch. It had been few years since she showed such love by touching him and ruffling his hair.

His dad did not move from his place and did not look at Siddarth’s eyes that were to be hurt.

“We need to tell you something. Your mama and I have decided on something which definitely needs your attention. We definitely want to listen to your opinion as well. I want you to take this slowly so that we all get out of this unhurt” his dad said as he took a sip of the coffee. He needed to gulp down caffeine to spit the venom at ease on Siddarth.

“What is it?” Siddarth was irritated.

“Your mama and I are going to file a divorce” he said not looking at Siddarth.

His mom’s hand gripped his thigh as if to take away the instant shock.

“Sir? Can I remove the coffee cup?” the stewardess asked Siddarth. He jolted out of his sleep. His reality.

“Sure,” he said and handed over the cold coffee back to the stewardess. He removed the headphones and placed it inside the pouch before him. He looked out again and saw the dark horizon. He closed his eyes again, forcing himself to think of that rainy evening.

Siddarth looked at his dad who wouldn’t look at him in his eyes. He waited for a few moments and then looked at his mom whose eyes were a pool of tears. Siddarth couldn’t understand what was happening. He kept looking at his parents. His mom was over-reacting and his dad wasn’t reacting at all. Siddarth looked down at the coffee table, at his own reflection. He tried hard to understand the situation. A million things burst out of his mind. He was angry. Helpless. Lost. Hurt. Deceived. Confused. A million emotions surfaced that moment and he had difficulty in expressing even one of them. He clasped his hands that were beginning to shiver. His dad knew Siddarth was beginning to react to the situation. Siddarth quickly stood up, as if to draw back from a war violently. His chair fell back on him and he kicked it aside. He ran up the stairs, rushed into his room and slammed the door behind. That was all he could muster to do. His parents sat there looking at the closed door. It was as if he had closed his life on them. Forever.

“Give him some time. We will talk to him after dinner” his dad said and walked outside the house for a walk in the lawn.

His mom sat there looking at the empty coffee cups. Her cup was still on the table full of coffee. Cold, with a thin skim that Siddarth had always hated. She pulled all the cups together thinking about her family that was already in splits. She cleaned the cookie crumbles on the table, while her son was crumbling within in his room.

Siddarth stood at the window, holding the bars and staring into the cold evening. The rains had stopped, not wanting to add gloom to his already bemused life. He saw his dad walk into the lawns. His dad stood beside the garden chair and looked up at Siddarth’s window. Their eyes met finally. His dad’s eyes conveyed that there was a lot of talking to be done. Siddarth drew the curtains together disapproving it. He fell back on his bed and looked at their family picture beside his bed. He wanted to quickly grab it and throw it outside the window so that it lands at his dad’s feet. Instead he pulled it close and tried to recollect the moment that picture was clicked. His eyes finally gave up on him. He broke down like a child. He wanted someone beside him to comfort him. All he had was the photo. His real comforts in life were already transforming into memories.

Four hours later. Siddarth did not come out of his room to the dinner table while his parents were waiting for him in silence. His dad knocked at his door but there wasn’t any response from inside.

“Siddarth, please come out. Please talk to us. We can sort this out,” his dad said.

Siddarth opened the door and walked down to the dining table. He did not acknowledge his parent’s presence. He served himself with some generous quantity of food and took it to his room and locked the doors. Few minutes later he walked down with the empty plate. Later he pulled out the ice cream tub from the freezer, dug out 3 scoops of his favorite butterscotch ice cream and sank into the couch. He switched on the television.His dad sat beside him glaring at the television which was staring back at him.

“How long can we go on like this?” his dad began the conversation that was to decide their fates that night.

“How long? How long were you contemplating a divorce? Ever since I was born?” Siddarth asked in a tone that was spitting anger.

“Things weren’t going too well between me and your mama. We pulled it along. She wants to walk out of my life”

“And you made that decision for me” his mom rose her defensive voice.

“Not that you wanted to stay with me. With us forever. You wanted to go with your life with Varun”

“Varun? What?” Siddarth was at loss of words.

There was silence. Everything fell into place.

“I’m 21. My parents decide to split when am 21. My mama wants to go away with a man she had been seeing during her college days. My dad wants to send her away from his life. My parents want a divorce. DIVORCE.” Siddarth was trembling.

His dad placed his arm around him as if to comfort a friend in distress. Siddarth moved away. He wanted his space to handle the situation by himself.

“Why at 21? Why not when I was a kid? I would have grown up to forget about your divorce. I would have grown up to be someone else. I would have just had mama or papa or new mama or papa” Siddarth broke down. The ice cream bowl fell from his hand.

“Something to drink sir?” the stewardess asked Siddarth. He was hungry. He had hated Butterscotch ever since that night.

“Yes, I’m terribly hungry” he said. The stewardess pulled out a tray of assorted eatables and gave it to him with a wide smile.

“Thank you. And some coffee. Very very strong” he returned her smile.

“Now what do you want me to do?” Siddarth asked wiping his tears.

There was silence.

“Go away from this place? Tell my friends that my parents are happily divorced. Tell the world that I love my life”

“Please stay calm Siddarth” his mom said. He did not want to look at her.

“We are filing our papers tomorrow. Everything should be over in a couple of weeks” his dad confirmed.

“What happens to me in a couple of weeks? Am I still your son? Or is there any law that lets you disown me as well?”

“You are 21. You can decide to stay with me or mama, or both. It is your life and you are always our son. My son” his dad said.

“How much time do I have?” Siddarth asked.

“You can let us know before we file our papers. We need to make your statement clear while filing our papers” his dad said.

“That gives me less than 12 hours. Thanks” Siddarth said and picked the ice cream bowl from the floor.

He walked to the kitchen and placed the bowl in the sink.

“Come with me Siddarth. I know I’ve made this decision for me. For us. Your dad never let me be in peace. He always talked about Varun. Every night I went to sleep crying, thinking of a life that never was. I’ve had enough and I reached my threshold” his mom said from behind. She was putting the utensils in place.

“I don’t care about your blame game. I’m not the judge to tell you if you are at fault or if dad did something wrong. You both have already decided to move on with different lives. You both have left me in a fork road. I was dreaming of a career. Now you have let me dream of a new life” Siddarth said in a voice pregnant with anguish.

“Mama will take care of you dear” she began to cry.

“Stop crying mama. It is not going to help anyone. At least tonight go to sleep with no tears. You are almost free to go with your life”

Siddarth walked into his room, locked it behind, and fell on his bed. He did not switch on the lights or the fan. He slept beside the open window. He was trembling again. He felt drained. He wanted to cry but couldn’t. He wanted to sleep, he tried. Finally, he fell asleep at 5 in the morning. He had made his decision about his life.

He woke up late in the morning with a smile. He then realized the reality and his face shrunk. The smile flew away through the open window. An hour later, he walked down after his shower. His parents were waiting for him. They had already dressed to go to the court. Siddarth had his breakfast alone. He should be getting used to that. Few minutes later they were in the car. No one had spoken a word. His parents were waiting to hear his decision. Siddarth was not ready to start the conversation.

“I’ve made my decision” Siddarth finally broke the awkward silence.

His parents were eager but they remained silent waiting for him to utter the words that will change their lives.

“I’ve decided to be with papa” Siddath said.

His mama turned away and looked out of the window. His dad looked at her through the rear view mirror with a jubilant smile.

“There isn’t much reason to be happy papa. I chose to stay with you, just because of financial needs. I still have a bit of time to settle down with a career. Until then I definitely need your financial assistance. That is the only reason I chose to live with you”

The smile on his dad’s face was lost, forever.

His mom looked at him in the same rear view mirror. His eyes were hurt and she had never wanted to see that.

“Once I’m ready to carry on my life by myself, I will go away, with my life. Until then I want…. your money” Siddarth spoke and daggers flew out of his mouth, hitting his dad one after the other.

There was continued silence from his parents.

“Is that fine with you papa?” he asked looking at his dad.

His dad nodded his head in approval.

“Anything son. I will be beside you”

“Thank you”, Siddarth said. Those were the last words that he had mentioned to his dad in those 6 years.

“Thank you” he said as the stewardess took away his plate and coffee cup.

Siddarth wanted to stretch a bit and he walked down the aisle. There was none that he knew on the flight, which was unusually less booked that day. He picked a magazine on the way back to his place. He sank into his seat and opened the magazine. He spotted an advertisement on desktop PCs and beside the picture of a desktop was a white board. It conveyed something like white boards replaced with PCs at that educational institution. Siddarth was reminded of the white board at his house. The board that he had placed at the dining room.

“Siddarth! Siddarth!” his dad called out to him.

Siddarth walked down and looked at his dad.

“What is this white board doing in the dining room?”

Siddarth had not spoken to his dad ever since that drive to the court a week ago. His mom had left the house the very next day. Siddarth walked to the white board, picked the black marker and wrote, “I don’t see a difference between this board and you. I prefer communicating to the board”. He placed the marker beside the board and walked back to his room. From that day, the white board became the medium between his dad and him to communicate. He would write something and his dad would reply beside that. Most of the times, it was his dad who wrote expecting Siddarth to speak to him soon.

One month later, when Siddarth’s dad walked into the house after an office party, he saw the white board.

“I’ve got my admission at the Princeton University and I want to go in a week. I’ve managed to get a scholarship, but I need more money. Will repay when I can”

“Siddarth! Come here!” his dad screamed. Siddarth walked down to the dining room.

“What is this?” his dad screamed. Siddarth felt the stench of liquor in the room and decided to get back to his room, not wanting to have an argument that will not take him anywhere.

“You are not going anywhere. You are going to be with me always” his dad said and rubbed the white board. On second thoughts he pushed the board down.

Siddarth silently walked up the stairs and locked his room leaving behind his dad who was screaming.

Next day, when his dad walked out of his room, he saw the white board in place again. He remembered what had happened the previous night and felt sorry. He read what was written on the board.

“I’m going in a week. It is ok if you don’t give me money, I will have to ask mama”

His dad walked into his room, pulled out a blank cheque and placed it on the table.

He wrote on the board, “Take as much as you want, but please don’t go”

Later that evening, Siddarth had taken the cheque and replied, “Thank you papa, the money means a lot, if not our family. I’ve booked my air tickets for friday night”

“You are leaving me alone. Please don’t go” his dad had replied.

“Sorry papa. Good bye” those were the last words that Siddarth had written on that white board.

His dad left behind many messages on the board, which Siddarth read and never replied. On Friday evening, he saw the message from his dad, one last time.

“Good luck son. I will be at the airport tonight”

Few hours later, Siddarth got off the cab and pulled his bags together at the terminal. He looked around for his dad. He wasn’t there. He did not wait. He checked-in his bags and began to walk towards the security check. Just then he spotted a frantic man running with a placard. He turned around to see his dad with a placard.

“Sorry! Am late from work. Good luck. Love you and will wait for you”

Siddarth’s hand instantly raised to bid adieu, but he forcefully pulled his hand down and walked away, leaving behind a man who was to wait for him, for a very long time. He did not look back until he reached the security check-in gate.

Few minutes later he was waiting at the gate. He was restless and wanted to talk to his dad very badly. He wanted to hug him and feel the security that he had given him all those years. He walked beside the eat outs and looked down. He saw the entrance to the International Terminal with a lot of people waiting to see off their loved ones. He looked around to see if his dad was in the crowd. He looked beyond and then spotted him, with the placard. Siddarth tapped the glass, crying within and calling for his dad. He pulled out his mobile to call his dad, and later realized he had left the SIM card back in his room. He pulled himself out of that spot and walked to the gate that was open.

“…will be landing in about 10 minutes…” Siddarth woke up to listen to the captain. The flight was to land in few minutes. He was going to feel his home country after 6 years, although a short span of time, he felt he had grown far more mature and indifferent to everything around. He had no clue if his papa still lived in that house. He had decided to go there anyways to find out. He wanted to see his room. He wanted to see his papa. He wanted to know about his mama. He wanted to see the white board. He thought it would have been removed. Maybe there was someone else. Maybe his papa had married someone else who would have removed that white board and taken his room as well. Million thoughts escaped out of his mind as the flight landed on the runway with a jolt.Siddarth did not want to get off the flight. As people were spilling out, he sat there trembling.

“Is there a problem, Sir?” the stewardess asked. He looked around and realized that everybody had left the aircraft.

“No” he said, grabbed his bag and stepped out. The passenger buses had left and he stood at the tarmac with security personnel, waiting for the next bus to take him. The smell of his city, that evening, brought back pungent nostalgia of the night he had taken off from the same terminal. The night when he wanted to talk to his papa, but never managed to.

As he sat inside the bus, he kept looking at the huge aircraft that was fading before him. He wanted to quickly jump out of the bus, rush into the aircraft, and fasten his seatbelts, so that he can go back to New Jersey and live there forever.

A couple of hours later, he was in a cab, on his way to his papa’s house. His heart was racing. “What if there was someone else in that house? What if his dad was living with someone else? What if there was no one in that house?

Where will I find papa? What if the white board is still there? What if I don’t go to that house at all?” his mind was searching for answers to all those questions.

He reached the house in an hour. He got off the cab and pulled out his bags. He stood outside the huge locked doors. He looked intently at the house, which had faded over the years. It had lost its sheen, but something about it was still fresh. Siddarth then realized it was the memories that seemed to be floating around.

He looked at his room’s window, which were closed. The curtains were now darker. Someone had changed it. His heart was beating faster. He was hesitant to walk closer to the closed door. As he walked further, the security guy walked out and stood there motionless.

“Siddarth!” he exclaimed. It was the same security guy in all those 6 years. At least he hadn’t changed. Siddarth walked in, leaving the bags behind for the security guy to bring. He did not dare to ask him any questions – if papa was home, or if this house was someone else’s. He wanted to find all the answers himself. He looked around at the lawn and realized that it was well maintained.

Someone lives in this house that takes care of it, he thought.

He stood outside the closed wooden door. He was unsure what to do, how to handle the situation. He turned around and saw the security guy pull his bags. He wanted to run out of the house and never return again. He looked back, mustered courage, and pressed the doorbell. Nobody opened the door. His heart was sinking. He turned back to look at the security guy, hoping he would help him with the answers. Instead, the security guy flashed a vibrant smile.

Someone opened the door and Siddarth turned back at the door quickly.

An old woman stood there with a perplexed look. Siddarth returned the same look. The old woman saw the security guy with the bags.

“Do you want to see someone?” she asked.

Siddarth remained silent and his eyes ran inside the house while his feet stood at the door.

“Siddarth!” someone screamed from inside and ran out.

Siddarth was surprised to see his mama. She had dropped the bowl of flour on the floor and ran outside the house frantically. Her hands were trembling and she hugged him with tears brimming in her eyes. She kissed him all over.

Siddarth did not respond to any of her gestures. He stood there motionless, still searching for something. Someone. His questions weren’t answered yet. More questions thronged his mind like vermin.

Just then his dad ran out hearing his mama’s hues and cries of joy. He froze at the door. Siddarth wanted to run to him and hug him. Instead he stood there closing all those questions on his mind. He wanted to bury all those questions and worries in a coffin, lock them up, and throw the key into the Indian Ocean.

His dad did not move. They kept looking at each other.

“Your mama came back to this house. For you and me” his dad uttered.

Siddarth did not look at his mama.

“She never wanted to go with Varun. I realized my mistake” his dad continued.

“And I realized mine too. I shouldn’t have walked out of this house and family” his mom assured.

Siddarth couldn’t believe what was happening at the doorstep.

“We tried all ways possible to trace you. We did find you through your college. We just gave you your time” his dad said.

“And you have taken 6 years. We were waiting” his mom said as she rubbed his arms.

Siddarth’s eyes welled up. He ran and buried himself in his dad’s bosom. He did not want to get away from that hug, from that house. His mom moved close to them. Siddarth hugged her and broke down like a little kid who had come back from the hostel for summer vacations.

Siddarth walked into the dining room and looked at the white board, which stood there like a monument. It was clean. He turned around and looked at his dad.

“I didn’t know if you would need it or not when you come back. We just left it there. Whenever we wanted to talk to you, we would write some random notes on it. Sometimes we would laugh at it too” his dad said and smiled.

Siddarth looked at the white board. He took the black marker and wrote, “I’m home for Diwali papa and mama. I just want to spend every diwali with you both, always”

He turned around and said, “Happy Diwali..”

----------------------

-the girl.